Massive Fraud How-To: Start Your Stand-Up Comedy Career

1. Write Some Material

If you’re thinking about suicide, seek immediate help from a mental healthcare professional. There are options available to you 24 hours per day, 7 days a week. Even if your instincts are telling you that you do not wish to call so much attention to yourself, suicidal impulses are very serious, and you should never hesitate to reach out for help. You can call anonymously.

  • If you are in the US, please call 911 or 800-273-TALK (8255), the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, or go to the nearest hospital Emergency Room.
  • If you’re in the UK, you can call Samaritans at 08457 90 90 90 or PAPYRUS at 0800 068 41 41 (if you are a teen or a young adult).
  • Other centers can be found on the International Association for Suicide Prevention website.[3]



2. Check Out The Local Scene

If you’re using the help line for support and still want to die, tell them you do need to go to the hospital. If you are not using a help line, call the Emergency Services or a person you trust and tell them that you want to kill yourself. Ask them to help you get to a hospital, or go there directly yourself. Even better, get someone to drive you. It is hard to drive safely under these conditions.



3. Sign-Up For An Open Mic

Although Step 1 is the right first step in any situation where you are thinking of killing yourself, it may not feel right for everyone. In this case, you should tell someone you trust that you’re having suicidal thoughts immediately. If you are alone, call a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a doctor, chat someone online, or do whatever you can to not be alone during this time. Talk with someone on the phone and have someone come over to stay with you so that you are not alone.


4. Be Nice and Keep Your Head Down!

If you have to wait for someone to come over or have to wait at the hospital, sit down and breathe slowly. Control your breathing by timing it, taking maybe twenty breaths a minute. Do anything else you can to distract yourself, knowing that help is on the way.

  • Do not use drugs or alcohol during this time as it can impair your thinking. It can also lead to making your feelings worse, not better. [4]
  • If you feel like you need to cause yourself some pain, hold an ice cube in your hand for 1 minute without letting go (this is a technique used in child-birthing classes to help women practice getting through the pain of pregnancy). The discomfort can be grounding without causing any harm.
  • Listen to your favorite band’s album. Watch a funny TV show. Even if these do not make you feel better, they may distract you from your feelings while you wait for help to arrive.


Audience watching a show in a small theatre



Good luck! You’ll need it!

About The Author:
Andrew Polk is an ally from New Orleans, Louisiana.


  3 comments for “Massive Fraud How-To: Start Your Stand-Up Comedy Career

  1. Bob
    December 22, 2015 at 9:07 pm

    I’m gay.

  2. Jizz Lord
    December 22, 2015 at 11:35 pm


  3. Nick
    December 23, 2015 at 1:05 am

    This is unoriginal and not funny, but we’re just having fun.

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